Someone shit on the floor
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Randomize
