carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
