Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
