we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
