Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Randomize
