As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
