Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
