I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
