Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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