my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
