he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
