where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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