I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
