Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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