yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
