The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
So squirting runs in the family.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
