I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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