It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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