My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
