is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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