i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
