when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
