Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i drank out of a bidet.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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