3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
