True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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