so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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