During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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