Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
