Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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