oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
