life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
