I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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