I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Drake has all the answers
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
FUCK WHALES
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