Your dad touched me again.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
