ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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