he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
