i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
