i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
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