I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
