Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
