last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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