I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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