If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
smell my finger.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
