Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
