I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
