I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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