I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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