just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
she peed on how many people?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
