I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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