Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
