I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
